The $5,000.00 loan...

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

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The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

http://www.ajokeaday.com/Clasificacion.asp?ID=13 

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DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”

--Charles M. Schulz

Lotto joke

Image courtesy of graur razvan ionut / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Larry wins the lottery and dashes to town to claim his prize. "Give me my $20 million," he tells the man in charge.

"Sorry, but it doesn't work that way," the man says. "You'll get a million today, and then the rest will be spread out over the next 19 years."

Larry is furious. "Look, I want my money..."

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"...and if you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

Reader's Digest [Aust. ed.]; May 2009

(Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy, isn't $1,000,000.00 on the spot and for the next 19 years-- to total $20,000,000.00-- a whole lot bigger than a dollar refund? The one in charge would loooooooooove to collect Larry's $19,999,999.00 after refunding Larry's $1.00. Silly old Larry!) 

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DL 
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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

Headlines...

Image courtesy of vectorolie / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Hold the presses!

Four of these headlines come from real news stories...
(Editor: ...while I add to the fun. ;-)

* "Couple recalls war years, 63 years of marriage"
(Editor: War years within 63 years of marriage? What motivated them to survive mutual abuse? ;-)

* "Gun who killed officer said to have had mental problems"
(Editor: Now guns need professional help... ;-)

* "Smokers asked to keep butts off beach"
(Editor: Did they mean cigarette ends or rear ends? ;-)

* "Volunteers needed to help abuse victims"
(Editor: It seems they can no longer afford paid workers to beat up victims... ;-)


Source: Reader's Digest [Aust. ed.]; May 2009 
Editor: (me ;-)

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DL 
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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

How We Got Into This Financial Mess, a parable...

Image courtesy of Teerapun / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

As a stockbroker gets out of is BMW, a car slams into the door, shearing it off. When the police arrive, the stockbroker is apoplectic.

"See what that idiot did to my beautiful BMW?" he shouts,
"Do you know what this car cost?"

"Sir," says the officer, "you're so worried about your car that you haven't even noticed that your arm was ripped off."

The stockbroker takes a look at where his arm once was and screams...

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"Where is my Rolex?!" 


Reader's Digest [Aust. ed.]; May 2009

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DL 
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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

Diplomats...

Image courtesy of chawalitpix / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It was a full day international conference at a hotel. At breakfast, the Filipino diplomat was seated next the French diplomat. Before eating, the French said, "Bon appetit." Upon thinking this guy was introducing his name, the Filipino mentioned his name, "Juan de la Cruz."

At lunchtime, they were seated together again. Before eating, the French said, "Bon appetit." And, Mr. de la Cruz said "Juan de la Cruz."

Later, Mr. de la Cruz learned from someone else that Bon appetit means 'Enjoy your meal.'

Then, it was dinnertime. Mr. de la Cruz was seated with the same French diplomat again. Before eating, Mr. de la Cruz took the chance and told him, "Bon appetit."

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Graciously, the French replied, "Juan de la Cruz."



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DL 
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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

A substitute teacher, and the students’ names...

Image courtesy of Feelart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The substitute teacher was unfamiliar of the names of each student. She instructed them to stand up one by one, and say their name when it is their turn. One child stood up and said, "Jules." The teacher corrected him, "I do not accept nicknames. Your name is Julius." Julius sat down...

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The next child stood up and said, "Billius."

(When in Rome, do as the Romans do...) 



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DL 

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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

A lawyer was playing golf...

Image courtesy of Naypong / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A lawyer was playing golf when he got hit by a ball. When the player came over looking for the ball, the lawyer said, "I'm a lawyer, and this will cost you $5000."

"I'm sorry," said the golfer. "But I did say 'fore'." 

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"I'll take it," said the lawyer.

(Um, "fore" is not "four".)

Reader's Digest [Aust. ed.]; February 2009



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DL 

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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

A Baby's First Words...

Image courtesy of olovedog / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My son crawled for the first time while I was away on military service. I also missed Gabriel's first steps and was afraid I would miss his first words.

Each day, I phoned home and asked if he had spoken yet. Finally my wife said Gabriel had something to say to me. "Daddy, Daddy," I heard over the phone, and glowed with pride. Then my wife came back on the line and said, "You should come home as soon as possible."

"Why?" I asked.

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"Gabriel was speaking to the dog," she told me.

(True story :-)

Dominic Turgeon; Reader's Digest [Aust. ed.]; January 2009 



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DL 

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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

Oh, You Dog

Image courtesy of Vlado / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Ever notice the similarities between man and man's best friend? 

* Both take up too much space on the bed.

* Both have irrational fears about vacuuming.

* Neither tells you what's bothering him.

* Neither of them notices when you got your hair cut. 

* Neither understands what you see in cats.

"Funny Times"; Reader's Digest [Aust. ed.]; October 2007 



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DL 

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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

It happened at a cemetery...

Image courtesy of Witthaya Phonsawat / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Looking for family-tree information, my husband and I and our children were walking through a cemetery in our town. My husband and I were discussing the large number of children who died in the early 20th century. We discussed the probability of the different causes such as the flu epidemic or other illnesses.

Our four-year-old son, Jarod, was apparently listening. Because as we passed one headstone with a beautiful picture of the Last Supper engraved on it, he stopped.

He studied the picture for a few moments, then looked up at us. "I know how this child died," Jarod said seriously.
"How?" we asked.

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"Eating in a restaurant," he replied.

(True story.)

--Marcy Jackson; "As Kids See It"; Reader's Digest [Aust. ed.]; October 2007 



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DL 

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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

Jump-off-the-building joke...

Image courtesy of supakitmod / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

What is the difference between one jumping from the tenth (10th) floor and one from the second (2nd) floor?

From the 10th floor: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.. Splat!
From the 2nd floor: Splat! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah..

(Ouch!)

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How about jumping of the building from the one hundredth (100th) floor?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.. Gasp! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.. Gasp! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah..

(That's a lot of gasps for air till you reach the ground!) 



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DL 

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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

Drink Bingeing...

Image courtesy of iosphere / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Two men were drink-bingeing in the bar. One of them said, "I can bet you that I can jump from the top of this building, and land afloat without touching the ground." The other guy said, "Ok, then. You're on." 

The first man jumped but his body was afloat, and not touching the ground. The second guy was stunned and said to himself, "Wow! If he can do it, I can do it too." 

This guy jumped. Unfortunately, he was splat dead to the ground. The bartender who witnessed them said...

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"You did it again, Superman." 



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DL 

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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

The Dog Who Knows Karate...

Image courtesy of Grant Cochrane / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A guy wanted to buy a pet dog for security reasons. The pet shop clerk said, "I know just the dog for you." He showed the customer a handbag dog. The customer said, "Him? Why that dog wouldn't hurt a flea!" 

The salesman said, "Looks can be deceiving. Watch." And he ordered the dog: "Karate the table!" And, "Heeeeeeeeeee yah! Chop!" went the dog who split the table in half. And he ordered again: "Karate the chair!" And, "Heeeeeeeeeee yah! Chop!" went the dog splitting the chair. And ordered again: "Karate the..." 

"Say no more," interrupted the customer, "He's perfect. I'll buy him!" 

He brought home the dog and told his wife that this is the perfect watchdog. The wife said, "Him? A watchdog? Looks like he can't hurt a flea." He replied, "Correction. He knows karate." 

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Amused, the wife said, "Now I've heard everything. Karate my foot."

(Heeeeeeeeeee yah! Chop!) 



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DL 

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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

The cannibals and three men...

Image courtesy of nuttakit / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Three men were caught by a cannibal tribe. These foreigners were brought before the cannibal chief. The chief said, "We grant one last request. Then we cook you, eat you, and make your skin into a canoe.

The first victim said, "I would like to smoke my last Havana cigar." He was given a Havana cigar, and he smoked it. The cannibals cooked him, ate him, and made his skin into a canoe.

The second victim said, " I would like a three course meal with a fork and knife." He was given a three course meal and ate it with a fork and knife. Then they cooked him, ate him, and made his skin into a canoe.

The last victim said, "I would like a fork." Upon a strange request, the cannibal chief asked, "A fork?" And the man said, "That's right." 

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He was given a fork and he starts pricking all over his body with it. Upon an unexpected action, the startled chief was shocked and asked, "What are you doing?" The victim with the fork said, "You're not gonna make a canoe out of me!" 

(Who would want to make a canoe from skin that is full of holes? Probably it would sink when afloat on water ;-) 



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DL 

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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

Mark 17

Image courtesy of Arvind Balaraman / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It happened one day at church. Before the end of the Sunday Mass, the priest said, "I have a special sermon next week. It would help if all of you read your Bible, the Gospel of Mark chapter 17."

A week has passed. At sermon time, the priest said, "Before I begin my sermon, I would like to see a raise of hands of those who read Mark 17." A majority of the parishioners raised their hands...

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With a smile, the priest said, "If you have read your Bible, you will see that Mark only has 16 chapters. Now I begin the sermon about the sin of lying." 

(Whoops!) 


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DL 
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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

What is that?

 Image courtesy of Master isolated images / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Out from a pub, two drunken men walked together. They happen to see some brown stuff floating on the street canal. The first guy said, "See that? That is poop." The second guy said, "I don't think so, that is cake." They both argued and disagreed with each other. Then finally the first guy came up with an idea, "Fair enough, let's taste it. Then, we will find out who's right."

After the taste test, do you know what happened?

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The second guy said, "It tastes like poop. Gee, you're right-- it is poop. Good thing we didn't step on it." 

(Eeew!)



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DL 
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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

“Watch it! Jesus is watching you!”

Image courtesy of chanpipat / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It happened one black night that had long hours of power failure. There was house whose residents were out of town. At a cunning sense of timing, a burglar broke in this quiet home. Upon entering, he heard a cryptic voice saying, "Watch it! Jesus is watching you!" The thief felt nervous but proceeded to bag the prized elegant silverware. Again he heard out of nowhere, "Watch it! Jesus is watching you!" Trembling, the robber rushed to the state of the art laptop computer. Upon looting the laptop, he heard another "Watch it! Jesus is watching you!" Even when his heart was pounding more and more, he decided to find out where that voice is coming from. With his handy flashlight, he searched and searched. Then, he found a clever parrot saying, "Watch it! Jesus is watching you!" The puzzled burglar asked, "Why are you telling me this?" The parrot replied, "I just wanted to warn you." He asked, "What's your name?" The parrot answered, "Moses." The thief wondered and said, "What fool would name a bird 'Moses'?"

You know what the parrot said?

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"The same fool who named the dog 'Jesus'." 

(Woof!)



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DL 
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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."
--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

Archaeological findings...

Image courtesy of Vlado / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Vlado / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Vlado / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

An archaeological excavation was made in Russia. They have been digging for 100 meters deep. They found bits and pieces of copper wires. A Russian archaeologist concluded: "1,000 years ago, copper-wired telephone technology existed in Russia."

In the United States, archaeological excavation was also made. They dug 300 meters deep and found bits and pieces of fiber optics. According to an American archaeologist: "3,000 years ago, digital telephone technology existed in America."

In the Philippines, another archaeological excavation was made, too. They dug 500 meters deep and found nothing. A Filipino archaeologist reported: 

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"5,000 years ago, cellular phone technology existed in the Philippines."

(If you can't find wires, it's gotta be wireless.) 



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DL 
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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."
--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr