Two Chihuahuas...

Image courtesy of olovedog / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Two chihuahuas were on a date. The male chihuahua said, "Sweetheart, are you in the mood for a wee-wee-choo?" The female chihuahua replied, "No I'm not." And he said, "C'mon, let's wee-wee-choo." And she said, "I don't like." He said, "Please, please, please!" So that he would finally stop asking, she said, "Fine, okay, let's wee-wee-choo!"

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Wee-wee-choo a merry Christmas, Wee-wee-choo a merry Christmas, Wee-wee-choo a merry Christmas, and a happy new year. Glad tidings we bring to you and your kin. Glad tidings for Christmas and a happy new year! 


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DL

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"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!" --John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What!")

The Old Lady, the Fridge, and the Rabbit

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It was a hot day, and an old lady wanted to drink some ice cold lemonade. To get this chilled drink, she approached the refrigerator. 

She opened it, and found a live rabbit inside. She  screamed and then asked, "What are you doing inside my fridge?" The rabbit answered, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" And she replied, "Why, yes it is." 

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And the rabbit said, "Well, I'm westing." 

(Um, a "Westinghouse" is a fridge brand, and not a "resting house," dahlin.) 

:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
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"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!" --John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What!")

Haiku Collection -- old jokes with a haiku twist crafted by D. Liongson ;-)

What is a wok? 
It's...What you thWow at a Wabbit 
When theW's no Wifle.
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What's a modem? It's...
To do to dem grass when tall 
I modem; shear not. 
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What's an aardvark? It's... 
Vat you need to succeed in 
SVeden, dear Vorker. 
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What's an ethernet?
It's what you use to catch the
Etherbunny with. 
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Say, what's a hindu?
A hin lays iggs in a barn. 
(That's what a hin du.) 



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DL
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"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!"--John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What!")

The Modern Little Red Hen

illustrated by Dominique Liongson

(Ronald Reagan version :-)

TRANSCRIPT:

A modern day little red hen may not sound like or appear to be a quotable authority on economics but then some authorities aren't worth quoting. I'll be right back.

About a year ago I imposed a little poetry on you. It was called "The Incredible Bread Machine" and made a lot of sense with reference to matters economic. You didn't object too much so having gotten away with it once I'm going to try again. This is a little treatise on basic economics called "The Modern Little Red Hen."

Once upon a time there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered some grains of wheat. She called her neighbors and said "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?"

"Not I," said the cow. 
"Not I," said the duck. 
"Not I," said the pig. 
"Not I," said the goose.

"Then I will," said the little red hen. And she did. The wheat grew tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen. 

"Not I," said the duck.
"Out of my classification," said the pig.
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.

"Then I will," said the little red hen, and she did. At last the time came to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake bread?" asked the little red hen.

"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.
"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.
"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.
"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.

"Then I will," said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for the neighbors to see. They all wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I can eat the five loaves myself."

"Excess profits," cried the cow.
"Capitalist leech," screamed the duck.
"I demand equal rights," yelled the goose.
And the pig just grunted.

And they painted "unfair" picket signs and marched round and around the little red hen shouting obscenities. When the government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be greedy." "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen."Exactly," said the agent. "That's the wonderful free enterprise system. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations productive workers must divide their products with the idle."

And they lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, I am grateful." 

But her neighbors wondered why she never again baked anymore bread. 

To listen to the recording, click this YouTube link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQAwdEdAT3Y



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
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"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!"--John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What!")

The Man and the Ostrich

In a fast food restaurant, there was a man with an ostrich who comes for lunch daily. The man always pay the full amount each day. This made him memorable to the staff because they always don't need to give him change. And oddly, they noticed the ostrich was always with him.

One day, the manager spoke to him. He said, "It is rather unusual that you come here and pay the exact amount to your order, plus you are accompanied by an ostrich everyday. If you don't mind me asking, why is that?" 

The man replied, "It happened that I rubbed the lamp, and out came a genie. The genie said he can only grant me two wishes. My first wish was that my wallet will always supply me with the exact amount of money to pay for anything..."

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"...And, my second wish was that I have a long-legged chick to follow me around."

(Silly old genie)



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DL
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"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!"--John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What!")

Old Man in Heaven

Image courtesy of Michelle Meiklejohn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

There was an old man in heaven who was seated looking at planet Earth with a long face. In a place of eternal happiness, this aged man caught the attention of Jesus Christ. 

Jesus approached him and said, "Sir, it puzzles me to see you unhappy in a place that knows no sadness. What ails you to look back at Earth with such bitterness?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter in a previous life. By divine intervention, I was granted a son of my very own. I cherished every moment I shared with him. Then one day, he was missing. I searched everywhere and I failed to find him. Before I died, I wasn't able to know where he is. I wonder what he is doing now. I wonder if he still remembers me." 

Jesus was in tears and asked him, "Father?"

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With tears of joy, the old man lovingly embraced Jesus, and said, "Pinocchio!" 



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DL
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"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!"--John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What!")

Kangaroo in the Zoo

Image courtesy of Rob D / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

There was a kangaroo who roams the zoo at night. Upon knowing that the kangaroo jumps very high, the zoo keepers built a 10 feet tall fence for it. The next day, they found the kangaroo roaming the zoo. So, they built it a 20 feet tall fence. The next day, the kangaroo was out again. When the fence was being built at 40 feet tall, the camel in the next cage asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

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The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night."

(Silly old zoo keepers.) 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
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"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!"--John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What!")

Speeding Ticket

Image courtesy of digidreamgrafix / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A man received a speeding ticket. It was a photo of his car with an identifiable image of his car license plate. He was billed $100.00 for driving beyond the speed limit. In reply to the ticket, he mailed a photo of $100.00 to the police station.

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In reply to that photo, the police sent him a photo of a pair of handcuffs. He finally paid the fine of his ticket.

(Silly old driver!) 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
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"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!"--John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What!")

McAdobo

Pidro went to McDonald's Restaurant and queued in line like everyone else who wanted to order. 

When it was his turn to order, he said, "I would like to order one McAdobo Value Meal." Puzzled, the cashier said, "Sir, there is no McAdobo on our menu." Sure and certain, Pidro said, "Oh come on, there is McAdobo. That is why I came all the way here to order it. I demand I talk to your manager." 

The cashier called the manager. The manager said, "Sorry, sir, you have been mistaken. We do not serve McAdobo in any of our McDonald's branches." "But I heard it in your radio ads," insisted Pidro, "You do have McAdobo." And the manager asked, "Really? Which one?"

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Seriously, Pidro said, "It is the one that goes 'McAdobo-dobo-cheese-cheese-burger-burger please.'"

(Um, That was a McDouble Cheese Burger, not McAdobo, dahlin.) 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
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"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!"--John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What!")

Koala Joke Series

Image courtesy of Michelle Meiklejohn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Q: Why did the first koala fall off a tree?
A: It was dead.

Q: Why did the second koala fall off a tree? 
A: It was playing follow the leader.

Q: Why did the third koala fall off a tree?
A: It was stapled to the second koala.

Q: Why did the fourth koala fall of a tree? 
A: It bumped a fridge.

Q: How did the kangaroo die?

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A: The four koalas and the fridge bumped the kangaroo. 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
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"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!"--John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What!")

The Funeral Procession

Walking on the street were a lot of men, a coffin, and a dog. One male tourist asked the man leading the funeral, "Sir, who passed away?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. My dog attacked her." The same tourist asked, "May I borrow your dog?"

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The man answered, "Sure. But you will have queue in line and wait like everybody else."

Ohhhhhhh-kaaaaaaaaay... 

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DL
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"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!"--John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What!")

Let’s Say It is Your Funeral...

A preacher man gathered his flock and said, "Let's say it is your funeral. People start paying respects at your deceased body. With your body in your coffin, what would you like to hear them say to you on that day?"

Three men answered this question.

The first one said, "I would like to hear them say that I have been a good family man."

The second one said, "I would like to hear them say that I have helped a lot of people."

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The third one said... "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, everyone! I think he's moving!'"


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DL
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"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!"--John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What!")

Ever Wondered...

illustrated by Dominique Liongson

Ever wondered why...

* Pope John Paul II wasn't succeeded by Pope George Ringo II? (reference: The Beatles)
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* index is to indices and appendix is to appendices, but kleenex is not to kleenices? (reference: Kleenex Tissues)

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* luke is to lukewarm, but there are no matthewwarm, markwarm, nor johnwarm? (reference: New Testament Bible)
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* goose is to geese but not moose is to meese?
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* a vegetarian eats vegetables, but a humanitarian doesn't eat humans?


:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
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"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!" --John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What!")

Nena and the Singing Telegram

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Nena was a very happy lady. She had a yummy boyfriend and a lot of money. One day, she received a knock on her door. She opened the door, and saw a man from the telegram company. The clerk said, "Hello. I have a singing telegram for you. Before I begin, may I ask you a few questions?" Nena agreed. The telegram man asked, "What is your favorite type of music?" She answered. "Rock music." He asked, "Who is your favorite singer?" She answered, "Michael Jackson."

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The clerk gave this some thought, and sang (to the tune of Michael Jackson's "Thriller"): "Neh-nah, Neh-eh-nah! Patay ang boyfriend mo. (Your boyfriend died). Ubos ang pera mo. (You ran out of money)..." 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
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"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!" --John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What")

Newspaper Cartoon #1

illustrated by Dominique Liongson

Recalled from a newspaper cartoon:
(Scene: A house having a garage sale as seen by the turtle and the squirrel.)

Squirrel: What's going on in that house?

Turtle: They are having a garage sale.

S: Who would want to buy a garage?

T: That's not it. They sell things inside the garage. 

S: You mean they sell cars?

T: No. They sell things they don't need anymore.

S: You mean they sell old people? (and he talks to a raccoon.) Hey, Raccoon, they are selling old people in a garage sale. Aren't they mean?

T: (frustrated about the squirrel who didn't get it) Gnng-gnng-gnng.....

Silly old squirrel! 


:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
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"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!" --John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What")