Doggie Quotes

Image courtesy of Witthaya Phonsawat / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When a dog runs at you, whistle for him.
— Henry David Thoreau

Who knew that dog saliva can mend a broken heart?
— Jennifer Neal

The dog was created especially for children. He is the god of frolic.
— Henry Ward Beecher

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.
— August Strindberg

You can’t surprise a man with a dog.
— Cindy Chupack

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo (dog food) is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.
— Joe Weinstein

We could have bought a small yacht with what we spent on our dog an dall the things he destroyed. Then again, how many yachts wait by the door all day for your return?
— John Grogan

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

— Rita Rudner

URL: http://mnxian.tumblr.com/post/396863772


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DL
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"Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
--Charles M. Schulz

Flatulence Funnies

illustrated by Dominique Liongson

Joke #1

Q: Why does fart have smell?
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A: So that deaf people can enjoy them.
(Thanks for sharing, JR.)

Joke #2

Q: What did the sanitary pad say to the fart?

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A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

(Thanks for sharing, BC.) 

Joke #3

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud,so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better...
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I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

(Thanks for sharing, AS and FS.)

:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
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"Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
--Charles M. Schulz

A Boss, Two Employees, and a Lamp

Image courtesy of iosphere / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In New York winter, senior manager, a junior manager and their boss took the same taxi to get to their lunch meeting. The boss found an old lamp and rubbed it. Then, out came a genie. The genie said, "I will grant only one wish to the one who holds this lamp." The senior manager grabbed the lamp from his boss and said, "I wish to be in a fast boat in the Bahamas with no worries." Poof! The senior manager disappeared. Quickly, the junior manager snatched the lamp and said, "I wish I am in California with beautiful women, delicious food, and intoxicating booze." And, poof! The junior manager disappeared...

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The boss picked up the lamp and said, "I wish those two idiots come back to work in the office after lunch." 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
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"Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already
tomorrow in Australia."
--Charles M. Schulz

Funny Pick Up Lines (from assorted sources)

Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

BOY: Miss, are you a keyboard?
GIRL: Why?
BOY: Because you are my type. 

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BOY: Are you religious?
GIRL: Yes.
BOY: Good, because I am the answer to your prayers. 

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BOY: Miss, you are like El Nino.
GIRL: Why?
BOY: Because you are so hot! 

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BOY: Miss, are you glue?
GIRL: No. Why?
BOY: Coz you stick to my heart. 

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BOY: What does ILY mean?
GIRL: "I Love You"
BOY: I love you too. 

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BOY: Miss, you're like a cigarette vendor.
GIRL: Huh? How come?
BOY: Coz you give me HOPE and MORE. 

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If I can rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
-------------------------------------------------------
"Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already
tomorrow in Australia."
--Charles M. Schulz

Bubba and Forrest Gump

illustrated by Dominique Liongson 

Bubba tells Forrest Gump...

When I'm sad, I'm black. 
When I'm angry, I'm black. 
When I'm scared, I'm black. 
When I'm envious, I'm black. 
When I'm dead, I'm black.

When you're sad, you're blue. 
When you're angry, you're red. 
When you're scared, you're yellow. 
When you're envious, you're green. 
When you're dead, you're grey. 

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And now you call me "colored"? 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
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"Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already
tomorrow in Australia."
--Charles M. Schulz

The Boy, the Farmer, and the Donkey

Image courtesy of Evgeni Dinev / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

One day a boy bought a donkey for $10.00 from a farmer. The next day, he went to the farmer to claim the donkey. The farmer said, "I'm sorry. I can't give you the donkey. It died." The boy asked, "May I have my $10.00 back then?" The farmer replied, "I'm sorry. I have spent the money already." The boy said, "Fair enough. Give me the dead donkey then." And the farmer questioned, "What are you going to do with it?" The boy replied, "I will sell it." The farmer asked, "Who will want to buy a dead donkey?" The boy answered, "I will see what I can do." The farmer gave him the dead donkey, and they parted ways.

A year later, the boy and the farmer met again. The farmer asked, "How did it go selling the dead donkey?" The boy replied, "I made a profit of $388.00." The farmer's eyelids widened, "Really?! Who would want to buy a dead donkey with that amount of money?" 

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The boy said, "I didn't tell anyone that the donkey was dead. I sold 200 raffle tickets to win a donkey. Each ticket was $2.00. The winner was informed that the donkey died and he received his refund. The rest of the losing ticket holders felt relieved they didn't win the dead donkey." 

200 tickets x $2 each = $400 
- $2 refund = $398 
- $10 spent on the donkey = $388.00 profit

Wicked!



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

Math Homework

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A mother helped her son with his math assignment. She read, "You have seven dollars and seven friends. You give a dollar each to the two friends and none to your other friends. What do you have left?"

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From the other side of the room, the boy's big sister hollered, "Two friends." 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

Elephant and a Kangaroo

Image courtesy of anankkml / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Bill Longshaw / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?

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A: Potholes all over Australia. (Blug! Blug! Blug!) 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

The Snail and the Birthday Girl

Image courtesy of Jonathan Fitch / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It was Dee's birthday. Her doorbell rang. She approached the door and opened it. She looked and saw no one until she saw a snail on her doormat. The snail greeted, "Happy Birthday, Dee!" Dee felt strange. She thought she was losing her mind upon hearing a snail speak to her. Thinking she must be getting crazy, she kicked the snail...

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One year later, the doorbell rang. She opened the door and saw the snail that asked, "What did you do that for?"

(Amazing, it took one year for the snail to get back to the same spot. Nice try.) 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

Ming, Mitsu, and Manding...

Image courtesy of arkorn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

There was a grand competition in town. It was a very popular event that packed the stadium with thousands of spectators. Every seat ticket was sold out. It was a competition of the man with the most offsprings. 

First contestant was Ming and his children. Ming has fifty (50) children. The crowd applauded. 

The second contestant was Mitsu and his children. Mitsu has one hundred (100) children. The crowd applauded. 

The third contestant was Manding. He stepped forward alone...

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The crowd was silent. Then, all of them chanted, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy..." 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

Mark, Maurice, Ming, and Mitsu...

Image courtesy of digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Mark, Maurice, Ming, and Mitsu went to a bar. They were served beer with flies. Mark too a big gulp and spat it all out. Maurice picked out the flies and drank the beer. Ming drained out the beer and ate the flies. 

Guess what Mitsu did...

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He picked out the flies, sold the beer to Maurice, and sold the flies to Ming.

(Eeew!!! Thanks for the joke, bro!) 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

A Smile on Canada...

Image courtesy of rakratchada torsap / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

After I read and visited Canada, I noticed unusual things. I noticed it is a habit to say "Eh?" to ask to repeat something just like "Huh?" I noticed how nicknames are formed with male names. Doug would be Dougie, Mick would be Mickie, or Buck would be Buckie. I also noticed that the Royal Canadian Mountain Police are known as Mountees...

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I wonder if the pregnant ones are called Buntees.

(Buntees=buntis. Hehehe...) 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

A Laundry Service Shop in Chinatown...

Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I was out in chinatown one day. A sign caught my eye. It reads: 

"Hans Olafsen's Laundromat" 

That's a first, a Scandinavian name used in a laundromat service in chinatown. So I decided to visit this laundry service shop. Upon entering, I saw an oriental fellow at the reception desk. I approached him and said, 

"Excuse me, sir. How did this laundry service get it's name?" 

He answered, "Shop named after owner." 

I asked, "Where is Mr. Hans Olafsen?" 

He said, "I'm he. How I help you?" 

So I asked him, "If you don't mind me asking, how did your name become 'Hans Olafsen'?" 

He replied, "Happened when I queued for registration at immigrations office. White man before me asked by immigrations officer, 'Name?' white man said, 'Hans Olafsen.' ...

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...After processing, he left queue. I next in line and was asked, 'Name?' I said, 'Sem Ting Tu.'"

(And that immigrations officer heard it as "same thing too." Ho boy...) 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
-------------------------------------------------------
“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

The Oooi-oooi Bird...

Have you ever heard
'bout the Oooi-oooi bird?
(Sketch it? Looks absurd.)

That really sounds so lame!
From the odd hall of fame,
How did it get its name?

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This bird got its name from its male species. The male Oooi-oooi bird has testicles sooo big, that when he lands, he says, "Oooi! Oooi!"

Ouch! 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

11th and 12th Commandments...

illustrated by Dominique Liongson

Many of you have heard of The Ten Commandments from Judaism and Christian Tradition. 

In fact, there was a movie about The Ten Commandments starring Charlton Heston. 

But not everyone has ever heard of the 11th and the 12th commandments. What are they?

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11th: You shall not get caught disobeying the commandments. 

12th: If you do get caught-- deny, deny, deny.

Gotcha!


Teeheehee! Have a fantabulous day! 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

A question on pets...

illustrated by Dominique Liongson

A man approached a 3-year-old girl, then asked, "So do you have puppies, kittens, or bunnies at home?"

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Seriously, the little girl answered, "No, but we have a fish in the freezer."

(But that's not a pet, honey.) 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

A Pig's Wish...

Image courtesy of AKARAKINGDOMS / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A little pig was strolling by. He found a bottle, and he rubbed it. Out came a genie who said, "I will grant you one wish, and no wishing for more wishes." The pig said...

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"On a silver platter, I wish for the head of the ad man who said, 'Pork is the other white meat.'" 

(Your wish is my command.) ;-)



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

A Priest, a Policeman, and a Politician...

Image courtesy of vectorolie / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A priest had his haircut done by a barber. After the barber was done, the priest asked, "How much do I owe you for this cut?" The barber replied, "No charge. Think of it as my contribution to your community." The priest thanked the barber and left the barber shop. The next day, the priest sent a dozen Bibles to the barber shop.

A policeman had his haircut done by the same barber. After the barber was done, the policeman asked, "How much do I owe you for this cut?" The barber replied, "No charge. Think of it as my contribution to your community." The policeman thanked the barber and left the barber shop. The next day, the policeman sent a dozen donuts to the barber shop.

A politician had his haircut done by the same barber. After the barber was done, the politician asked, "How much do I owe you for this cut?" The barber replied, "No charge. Think of it as my contribution to your community." The politician thanked the barber and left the shop...

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...The next day, the politician sent a dozen more politicians to the barber shop.

(What a cheeky politician...) 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
-------------------------------------------------------
“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz