Doggie Quotes

Image courtesy of Witthaya Phonsawat / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When a dog runs at you, whistle for him.
— Henry David Thoreau

Who knew that dog saliva can mend a broken heart?
— Jennifer Neal

The dog was created especially for children. He is the god of frolic.
— Henry Ward Beecher

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.
— August Strindberg

You can’t surprise a man with a dog.
— Cindy Chupack

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo (dog food) is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.
— Joe Weinstein

We could have bought a small yacht with what we spent on our dog an dall the things he destroyed. Then again, how many yachts wait by the door all day for your return?
— John Grogan

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

— Rita Rudner

URL: http://mnxian.tumblr.com/post/396863772


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DL
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"Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
--Charles M. Schulz

Flatulence Funnies

illustrated by Dominique Liongson

Joke #1

Q: Why does fart have smell?
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A: So that deaf people can enjoy them.
(Thanks for sharing, JR.)

Joke #2

Q: What did the sanitary pad say to the fart?

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A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

(Thanks for sharing, BC.) 

Joke #3

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud,so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better...
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I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

(Thanks for sharing, AS and FS.)

:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
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"Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
--Charles M. Schulz

A Boss, Two Employees, and a Lamp

Image courtesy of iosphere / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In New York winter, senior manager, a junior manager and their boss took the same taxi to get to their lunch meeting. The boss found an old lamp and rubbed it. Then, out came a genie. The genie said, "I will grant only one wish to the one who holds this lamp." The senior manager grabbed the lamp from his boss and said, "I wish to be in a fast boat in the Bahamas with no worries." Poof! The senior manager disappeared. Quickly, the junior manager snatched the lamp and said, "I wish I am in California with beautiful women, delicious food, and intoxicating booze." And, poof! The junior manager disappeared...

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The boss picked up the lamp and said, "I wish those two idiots come back to work in the office after lunch." 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
-------------------------------------------------------
"Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already
tomorrow in Australia."
--Charles M. Schulz

Funny Pick Up Lines (from assorted sources)

Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

BOY: Miss, are you a keyboard?
GIRL: Why?
BOY: Because you are my type. 

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BOY: Are you religious?
GIRL: Yes.
BOY: Good, because I am the answer to your prayers. 

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BOY: Miss, you are like El Nino.
GIRL: Why?
BOY: Because you are so hot! 

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BOY: Miss, are you glue?
GIRL: No. Why?
BOY: Coz you stick to my heart. 

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BOY: What does ILY mean?
GIRL: "I Love You"
BOY: I love you too. 

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BOY: Miss, you're like a cigarette vendor.
GIRL: Huh? How come?
BOY: Coz you give me HOPE and MORE. 

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If I can rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
-------------------------------------------------------
"Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already
tomorrow in Australia."
--Charles M. Schulz

Bubba and Forrest Gump

illustrated by Dominique Liongson 

Bubba tells Forrest Gump...

When I'm sad, I'm black. 
When I'm angry, I'm black. 
When I'm scared, I'm black. 
When I'm envious, I'm black. 
When I'm dead, I'm black.

When you're sad, you're blue. 
When you're angry, you're red. 
When you're scared, you're yellow. 
When you're envious, you're green. 
When you're dead, you're grey. 

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And now you call me "colored"? 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
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"Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already
tomorrow in Australia."
--Charles M. Schulz

The Boy, the Farmer, and the Donkey

Image courtesy of Evgeni Dinev / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

One day a boy bought a donkey for $10.00 from a farmer. The next day, he went to the farmer to claim the donkey. The farmer said, "I'm sorry. I can't give you the donkey. It died." The boy asked, "May I have my $10.00 back then?" The farmer replied, "I'm sorry. I have spent the money already." The boy said, "Fair enough. Give me the dead donkey then." And the farmer questioned, "What are you going to do with it?" The boy replied, "I will sell it." The farmer asked, "Who will want to buy a dead donkey?" The boy answered, "I will see what I can do." The farmer gave him the dead donkey, and they parted ways.

A year later, the boy and the farmer met again. The farmer asked, "How did it go selling the dead donkey?" The boy replied, "I made a profit of $388.00." The farmer's eyelids widened, "Really?! Who would want to buy a dead donkey with that amount of money?" 

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The boy said, "I didn't tell anyone that the donkey was dead. I sold 200 raffle tickets to win a donkey. Each ticket was $2.00. The winner was informed that the donkey died and he received his refund. The rest of the losing ticket holders felt relieved they didn't win the dead donkey." 

200 tickets x $2 each = $400 
- $2 refund = $398 
- $10 spent on the donkey = $388.00 profit

Wicked!



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

Math Homework

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A mother helped her son with his math assignment. She read, "You have seven dollars and seven friends. You give a dollar each to the two friends and none to your other friends. What do you have left?"

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From the other side of the room, the boy's big sister hollered, "Two friends." 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz