A question on pets...

illustrated by Dominique Liongson

A man approached a 3-year-old girl, then asked, "So do you have puppies, kittens, or bunnies at home?"

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

Seriously, the little girl answered, "No, but we have a fish in the freezer."

(But that's not a pet, honey.) 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
-------------------------------------------------------
“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

A Pig's Wish...

Image courtesy of AKARAKINGDOMS / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A little pig was strolling by. He found a bottle, and he rubbed it. Out came a genie who said, "I will grant you one wish, and no wishing for more wishes." The pig said...

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

"On a silver platter, I wish for the head of the ad man who said, 'Pork is the other white meat.'" 

(Your wish is my command.) ;-)



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
-------------------------------------------------------
“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

A Priest, a Policeman, and a Politician...

Image courtesy of vectorolie / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A priest had his haircut done by a barber. After the barber was done, the priest asked, "How much do I owe you for this cut?" The barber replied, "No charge. Think of it as my contribution to your community." The priest thanked the barber and left the barber shop. The next day, the priest sent a dozen Bibles to the barber shop.

A policeman had his haircut done by the same barber. After the barber was done, the policeman asked, "How much do I owe you for this cut?" The barber replied, "No charge. Think of it as my contribution to your community." The policeman thanked the barber and left the barber shop. The next day, the policeman sent a dozen donuts to the barber shop.

A politician had his haircut done by the same barber. After the barber was done, the politician asked, "How much do I owe you for this cut?" The barber replied, "No charge. Think of it as my contribution to your community." The politician thanked the barber and left the shop...

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

...The next day, the politician sent a dozen more politicians to the barber shop.

(What a cheeky politician...) 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
-------------------------------------------------------
“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

Congratulations...

Image courtesy of Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Jordan was promoted as manager of her department. Her boss wanted to celebrate with a cake. The boss called the cake shop to order a cake with a dedication printed on it. The clerk at the cake shop told him, "Sir, before we print on the cake, we would like to know the following: Greeting; Celebrant's name; and if the celebrant is male or female." The boss said, "Congratulations. Oh, and Jordan is a woman." The cake arrived and they opened its box. 

Do you know what was printed on the cake?

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

"Congratulations, Jordan is a woman!"

(Was she something else before that?) ;-)



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
-------------------------------------------------------
“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

Adam and Eve funnies

Image courtesy of graur razvan ionut / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

(Words from a little boy interviewed by Art Linkletter...)
ADAM'S PUNISHMENT AFTER EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT: "God told him to sit down and write the Bible."
EVE'S PUNISHMENT AFTER EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT: "She became a housewife."

------------------

EVE TO ADAM: "Do you love me?"
ADAM TO EVE: "Do I have a choice?"

------------------

(Scene: Eve adds a new pair of shoes to her shoe collection.)
ADAM: "But, Eve, you don't have clothes yet."

-------------------

(Scene: Adam and Eve eating the forbidden fruit next to a tree with hidden loudspeakers plugged to a hidden microphone used by a hidden beaver.)
VOICE: "Eating from my tree, hey? Get out of my garden! And take your beaver traps with you."

-------------------

After eating the forbidden fruit, Adam felt ashamed of his nakedness. He covered himself with a fig leaf.
Eve too felt ashamed. She covered herself with a fig leaf. Then she tried on a mango leaf, then an orange leaf, then a papaya leaf... 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
-------------------------------------------------------
“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

Genie in a bottle...

Image courtesy of luigi diamanti / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A man found a bottle with a cork. He opened the bottle and out came a genie. The genie said, "I will grant you only one wish. And, no more wishing for more wishes." The man had to think of a wish that would supply him for a lifetime. So he was able to think of a wish, and said, "I wish I have the Midas' touch." 

From that time forward... 

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

...everything the man touches turns into a muffler.

(The man wanted the greek mythology Midas' touch: the touch that turns anything into gold. The genie was thinking of the Midas shop that sells mufflers. Silly old genie!) 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
-------------------------------------------------------
“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

Lloyd, Lumiere, and Li...

Image courtesy of  Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The foreman recruited Lloyd, Lumiere, and Li. 

Lloyd was ordered to continue shovelling the dug ground. Lumiere was ordered to wheelbarrow the rest of the shovelled dirt. Li was assigned to be in charge of the supplies. 

Hours later, the foreman noticed the ground wasn't dug any further since he last saw it. 

He called Lloyd then asked, "Why didn't you continue digging?" Lloyd replied, "The shovel is in the Supplies Room. I couldn't find Li to unlock the Supplies Room." 

The foreman noticed the mounds of dirt wasn't wheelbarrowed away. "Lumiere," said the foreman, "why didn't you wheelbarrow this dirt away?" Lumiere replied, "The wheelbarrow is in the Supplies Room. Li is in charge of the Supplies Room, but I also couldn't find him anywhere." 

Then...

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

...they all heard a high jump from one of the trees. Without skipping a beat, Li shouted, "SUPPLIES!"

(Um, "supplies" and "surprise" are two different words...) 

:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
-------------------------------------------------------
“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz