Congratulations...

Image courtesy of Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Jordan was promoted as manager of her department. Her boss wanted to celebrate with a cake. The boss called the cake shop to order a cake with a dedication printed on it. The clerk at the cake shop told him, "Sir, before we print on the cake, we would like to know the following: Greeting; Celebrant's name; and if the celebrant is male or female." The boss said, "Congratulations. Oh, and Jordan is a woman." The cake arrived and they opened its box. 

Do you know what was printed on the cake?

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"Congratulations, Jordan is a woman!"

(Was she something else before that?) ;-)



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

Adam and Eve funnies

Image courtesy of graur razvan ionut / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

(Words from a little boy interviewed by Art Linkletter...)
ADAM'S PUNISHMENT AFTER EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT: "God told him to sit down and write the Bible."
EVE'S PUNISHMENT AFTER EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT: "She became a housewife."

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EVE TO ADAM: "Do you love me?"
ADAM TO EVE: "Do I have a choice?"

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(Scene: Eve adds a new pair of shoes to her shoe collection.)
ADAM: "But, Eve, you don't have clothes yet."

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(Scene: Adam and Eve eating the forbidden fruit next to a tree with hidden loudspeakers plugged to a hidden microphone used by a hidden beaver.)
VOICE: "Eating from my tree, hey? Get out of my garden! And take your beaver traps with you."

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After eating the forbidden fruit, Adam felt ashamed of his nakedness. He covered himself with a fig leaf.
Eve too felt ashamed. She covered herself with a fig leaf. Then she tried on a mango leaf, then an orange leaf, then a papaya leaf... 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
-------------------------------------------------------
“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

Genie in a bottle...

Image courtesy of luigi diamanti / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A man found a bottle with a cork. He opened the bottle and out came a genie. The genie said, "I will grant you only one wish. And, no more wishing for more wishes." The man had to think of a wish that would supply him for a lifetime. So he was able to think of a wish, and said, "I wish I have the Midas' touch." 

From that time forward... 

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...everything the man touches turns into a muffler.

(The man wanted the greek mythology Midas' touch: the touch that turns anything into gold. The genie was thinking of the Midas shop that sells mufflers. Silly old genie!) 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
-------------------------------------------------------
“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

Lloyd, Lumiere, and Li...

Image courtesy of  Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The foreman recruited Lloyd, Lumiere, and Li. 

Lloyd was ordered to continue shovelling the dug ground. Lumiere was ordered to wheelbarrow the rest of the shovelled dirt. Li was assigned to be in charge of the supplies. 

Hours later, the foreman noticed the ground wasn't dug any further since he last saw it. 

He called Lloyd then asked, "Why didn't you continue digging?" Lloyd replied, "The shovel is in the Supplies Room. I couldn't find Li to unlock the Supplies Room." 

The foreman noticed the mounds of dirt wasn't wheelbarrowed away. "Lumiere," said the foreman, "why didn't you wheelbarrow this dirt away?" Lumiere replied, "The wheelbarrow is in the Supplies Room. Li is in charge of the Supplies Room, but I also couldn't find him anywhere." 

Then...

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...they all heard a high jump from one of the trees. Without skipping a beat, Li shouted, "SUPPLIES!"

(Um, "supplies" and "surprise" are two different words...) 

:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

A Eunuch?

Image courtesy of vectorolie / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A young schoolie approached his mother and asked, "Mom, what is a eunuch?" The mother came up with an answer that involved explaining kingdoms with kings, harems, special guards, and castration. The boy looked more puzzled at his mother's answer...

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And that made him ask, "Then why are the police saying, 'Calling all eunuchs, calling all eunuchs...' ?"  

(That would be "calling all units", dahling.)



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
-------------------------------------------------------
“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven...

Image courtesy of  Master isolated images / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself.

The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. Saint Petersays, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you." "I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this." "Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?" Forrest goes away to think the questions over.

He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!" The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....." "Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?" Forrest says...

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"Well shore, I know God's first name. Everbody probly knows it. It's Howard." "Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?" Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer.""The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?" "The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our Father, Howard be thy name...."

http://www.bollywoodsargam.com/jokes_play.php?jokenum=25547&jokename=Forrest+Gump+goes+to+heaven... 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”--Charles M. Schulz

The Optimist...

illustrated by Dominique Liongson

The Optimist
Posted on July 21, 2008 08:19 by Brian Buffini

There’s a story of identical twins - one a hope-filled optimist who could see no wrong and the other a hopeless pessimist who believed the worst about every situation. The twins’ concerned parents decided to bring them to the local psychologist.

On examining the two boys, the psychologist suggested a plan to balance their personalities. "On their next birthday, put them in different rooms to open their gifts. Be sure the pessimist gets the best toys you can afford and the optimist gets a box of manure."

On the day of the twins’ birthday, the parents carefully followed the instructions and observed the results. As they peeked in on the pessimist, they could heard him loudly exclaiming, "I don't like the look of this computer... I'll bet this iPod will break... Timmy has a bigger toy car than this..."

Tiptoeing across the hall, the parents peered around the door to see the optimist twin throwing the manure up in the air and laughing excitedly:

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"You can't fool me! With this much manure, there's gotta be a pony here somewhere!"

So how are you looking at your circumstances? Are you complaining about what you have or don’t have? Are you willing to put up with some short-term discomfort for the pony on the other side? It’s your choice. I hope you make the right one.

It’s a good life!

Brian

http://www.buffiniandcompany.com/Blog/post/2008/07/The-Optimist.aspx

Thank you for sharing, Brian. 

:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
-------------------------------------------------------
“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz