Let’s Say It is Your Funeral...

A preacher man gathered his flock and said, "Let's say it is your funeral. People start paying respects at your deceased body. With your body in your coffin, what would you like to hear them say to you on that day?"

Three men answered this question.

The first one said, "I would like to hear them say that I have been a good family man."

The second one said, "I would like to hear them say that I have helped a lot of people."

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The third one said... "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, everyone! I think he's moving!'"


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DL
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"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!"--John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What!")

Ever Wondered...

illustrated by Dominique Liongson

Ever wondered why...

* Pope John Paul II wasn't succeeded by Pope George Ringo II? (reference: The Beatles)
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* index is to indices and appendix is to appendices, but kleenex is not to kleenices? (reference: Kleenex Tissues)

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* luke is to lukewarm, but there are no matthewwarm, markwarm, nor johnwarm? (reference: New Testament Bible)
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* goose is to geese but not moose is to meese?
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* a vegetarian eats vegetables, but a humanitarian doesn't eat humans?


:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
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"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!" --John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What!")

Nena and the Singing Telegram

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Nena was a very happy lady. She had a yummy boyfriend and a lot of money. One day, she received a knock on her door. She opened the door, and saw a man from the telegram company. The clerk said, "Hello. I have a singing telegram for you. Before I begin, may I ask you a few questions?" Nena agreed. The telegram man asked, "What is your favorite type of music?" She answered. "Rock music." He asked, "Who is your favorite singer?" She answered, "Michael Jackson."

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The clerk gave this some thought, and sang (to the tune of Michael Jackson's "Thriller"): "Neh-nah, Neh-eh-nah! Patay ang boyfriend mo. (Your boyfriend died). Ubos ang pera mo. (You ran out of money)..." 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
-------------------------------------------------------
"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!" --John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What")

Newspaper Cartoon #1

illustrated by Dominique Liongson

Recalled from a newspaper cartoon:
(Scene: A house having a garage sale as seen by the turtle and the squirrel.)

Squirrel: What's going on in that house?

Turtle: They are having a garage sale.

S: Who would want to buy a garage?

T: That's not it. They sell things inside the garage. 

S: You mean they sell cars?

T: No. They sell things they don't need anymore.

S: You mean they sell old people? (and he talks to a raccoon.) Hey, Raccoon, they are selling old people in a garage sale. Aren't they mean?

T: (frustrated about the squirrel who didn't get it) Gnng-gnng-gnng.....

Silly old squirrel! 


:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
-------------------------------------------------------
"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!" --John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What")

After Church One Sunday

Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

After church one Sunday morning,


Mother said, "The choir was terrible; the singers sang out of tune."


Father said, "The sermon was longer than I expected it to be."

And their 8-year-old Daughter said...

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"I am not complaining. I admit it is a pretty good show for a dollar."

(Um, the dollar was a donation. It was not the admission fee for a show, dahlin.)



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
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"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!" --John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What")

High Tech Grocery Store

Image courtesy of digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A new super high tech grocery store recently opened in Orlando, Florida.

It has the standard automatic water misters to keep the produce fresh, but just before it mists, one hears the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When one passes the dairy freezer, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of freshly mowed hay.

Going in the meat department one can smell the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and barbecue ribs. 

When you pass the fresh eggs case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of morning eggs and bacon.

In the bread department, a tantalizing smell of freshly baked bread and soft warm rolls.

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But I don't buy my toilet paper there anymore.

(eeeeeeeeeeeew!)


http://www.cleanjokes4u.com/clean-joke.php?id=10154

:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
-------------------------------------------------------
"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!" --John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What")

The Star

illustrated by Dominique Liongson

Kung nakikita mo yung star,
(If you see that star,)

Sundan mo.
(Follow it.)

Hanapin mo kung saan ito nang galing. 
(Find where it is from.)

Kapag na hanap mo na yung star, 
(When you find that star.)

Huwag kang mag-wish... 
(Don't make a wish...)

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Caltex 'yun. 
(That's Caltex.)

(Ever seen the star of Caltex-- the Gas Station?)



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL
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"Take a tip from nature-- your ears are not made to shut, but your mouth is!" --John Mason (from the book "Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight: How to Succeed No Matter What")