Headlines...

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Hold the presses!

Four of these headlines come from real news stories...
(Editor: ...while I add to the fun. ;-)

* "Couple recalls war years, 63 years of marriage"
(Editor: War years within 63 years of marriage? What motivated them to survive mutual abuse? ;-)

* "Gun who killed officer said to have had mental problems"
(Editor: Now guns need professional help... ;-)

* "Smokers asked to keep butts off beach"
(Editor: Did they mean cigarette ends or rear ends? ;-)

* "Volunteers needed to help abuse victims"
(Editor: It seems they can no longer afford paid workers to beat up victims... ;-)


Source: Reader's Digest [Aust. ed.]; May 2009 
Editor: (me ;-)

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DL 
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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

How We Got Into This Financial Mess, a parable...

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As a stockbroker gets out of is BMW, a car slams into the door, shearing it off. When the police arrive, the stockbroker is apoplectic.

"See what that idiot did to my beautiful BMW?" he shouts,
"Do you know what this car cost?"

"Sir," says the officer, "you're so worried about your car that you haven't even noticed that your arm was ripped off."

The stockbroker takes a look at where his arm once was and screams...

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"Where is my Rolex?!" 


Reader's Digest [Aust. ed.]; May 2009

:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

Diplomats...

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It was a full day international conference at a hotel. At breakfast, the Filipino diplomat was seated next the French diplomat. Before eating, the French said, "Bon appetit." Upon thinking this guy was introducing his name, the Filipino mentioned his name, "Juan de la Cruz."

At lunchtime, they were seated together again. Before eating, the French said, "Bon appetit." And, Mr. de la Cruz said "Juan de la Cruz."

Later, Mr. de la Cruz learned from someone else that Bon appetit means 'Enjoy your meal.'

Then, it was dinnertime. Mr. de la Cruz was seated with the same French diplomat again. Before eating, Mr. de la Cruz took the chance and told him, "Bon appetit."

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Graciously, the French replied, "Juan de la Cruz."



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

A substitute teacher, and the students’ names...

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The substitute teacher was unfamiliar of the names of each student. She instructed them to stand up one by one, and say their name when it is their turn. One child stood up and said, "Jules." The teacher corrected him, "I do not accept nicknames. Your name is Julius." Julius sat down...

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The next child stood up and said, "Billius."

(When in Rome, do as the Romans do...) 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)

DL 

-------------------------------------------------------

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

A lawyer was playing golf...

Image courtesy of Naypong / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A lawyer was playing golf when he got hit by a ball. When the player came over looking for the ball, the lawyer said, "I'm a lawyer, and this will cost you $5000."

"I'm sorry," said the golfer. "But I did say 'fore'." 

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"I'll take it," said the lawyer.

(Um, "fore" is not "four".)

Reader's Digest [Aust. ed.]; February 2009



:-( -> :-| -> :-)

DL 

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"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

A Baby's First Words...

Image courtesy of olovedog / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My son crawled for the first time while I was away on military service. I also missed Gabriel's first steps and was afraid I would miss his first words.

Each day, I phoned home and asked if he had spoken yet. Finally my wife said Gabriel had something to say to me. "Daddy, Daddy," I heard over the phone, and glowed with pride. Then my wife came back on the line and said, "You should come home as soon as possible."

"Why?" I asked.

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"Gabriel was speaking to the dog," she told me.

(True story :-)

Dominic Turgeon; Reader's Digest [Aust. ed.]; January 2009 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)

DL 

-------------------------------------------------------

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr

Oh, You Dog

Image courtesy of Vlado / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Ever notice the similarities between man and man's best friend? 

* Both take up too much space on the bed.

* Both have irrational fears about vacuuming.

* Neither tells you what's bothering him.

* Neither of them notices when you got your hair cut. 

* Neither understands what you see in cats.

"Funny Times"; Reader's Digest [Aust. ed.]; October 2007 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)

DL 

-------------------------------------------------------

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference... and the sense of humor when I don't know the difference."

--Joel Goodman adding to Reinhold Niebuhr