Genie in a bottle...

Image courtesy of luigi diamanti / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A man found a bottle with a cork. He opened the bottle and out came a genie. The genie said, "I will grant you only one wish. And, no more wishing for more wishes." The man had to think of a wish that would supply him for a lifetime. So he was able to think of a wish, and said, "I wish I have the Midas' touch." 

From that time forward... 

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...everything the man touches turns into a muffler.

(The man wanted the greek mythology Midas' touch: the touch that turns anything into gold. The genie was thinking of the Midas shop that sells mufflers. Silly old genie!) 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

Lloyd, Lumiere, and Li...

Image courtesy of  Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The foreman recruited Lloyd, Lumiere, and Li. 

Lloyd was ordered to continue shovelling the dug ground. Lumiere was ordered to wheelbarrow the rest of the shovelled dirt. Li was assigned to be in charge of the supplies. 

Hours later, the foreman noticed the ground wasn't dug any further since he last saw it. 

He called Lloyd then asked, "Why didn't you continue digging?" Lloyd replied, "The shovel is in the Supplies Room. I couldn't find Li to unlock the Supplies Room." 

The foreman noticed the mounds of dirt wasn't wheelbarrowed away. "Lumiere," said the foreman, "why didn't you wheelbarrow this dirt away?" Lumiere replied, "The wheelbarrow is in the Supplies Room. Li is in charge of the Supplies Room, but I also couldn't find him anywhere." 

Then...

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...they all heard a high jump from one of the trees. Without skipping a beat, Li shouted, "SUPPLIES!"

(Um, "supplies" and "surprise" are two different words...) 

:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

A Eunuch?

Image courtesy of vectorolie / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A young schoolie approached his mother and asked, "Mom, what is a eunuch?" The mother came up with an answer that involved explaining kingdoms with kings, harems, special guards, and castration. The boy looked more puzzled at his mother's answer...

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And that made him ask, "Then why are the police saying, 'Calling all eunuchs, calling all eunuchs...' ?"  

(That would be "calling all units", dahling.)



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven...

Image courtesy of  Master isolated images / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself.

The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. Saint Petersays, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you." "I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this." "Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?" Forrest goes away to think the questions over.

He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!" The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....." "Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?" Forrest says...

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"Well shore, I know God's first name. Everbody probly knows it. It's Howard." "Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?" Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer.""The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?" "The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our Father, Howard be thy name...."

http://www.bollywoodsargam.com/jokes_play.php?jokenum=25547&jokename=Forrest+Gump+goes+to+heaven... 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”--Charles M. Schulz

The Optimist...

illustrated by Dominique Liongson

The Optimist
Posted on July 21, 2008 08:19 by Brian Buffini

There’s a story of identical twins - one a hope-filled optimist who could see no wrong and the other a hopeless pessimist who believed the worst about every situation. The twins’ concerned parents decided to bring them to the local psychologist.

On examining the two boys, the psychologist suggested a plan to balance their personalities. "On their next birthday, put them in different rooms to open their gifts. Be sure the pessimist gets the best toys you can afford and the optimist gets a box of manure."

On the day of the twins’ birthday, the parents carefully followed the instructions and observed the results. As they peeked in on the pessimist, they could heard him loudly exclaiming, "I don't like the look of this computer... I'll bet this iPod will break... Timmy has a bigger toy car than this..."

Tiptoeing across the hall, the parents peered around the door to see the optimist twin throwing the manure up in the air and laughing excitedly:

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"You can't fool me! With this much manure, there's gotta be a pony here somewhere!"

So how are you looking at your circumstances? Are you complaining about what you have or don’t have? Are you willing to put up with some short-term discomfort for the pony on the other side? It’s your choice. I hope you make the right one.

It’s a good life!

Brian

http://www.buffiniandcompany.com/Blog/post/2008/07/The-Optimist.aspx

Thank you for sharing, Brian. 

:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
--Charles M. Schulz

Room #6...

Image courtesy of Stoonn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Another busy day, there was a looooong queue upon the entry to Heaven. St. Peter questioned each entrant. He asked the first entrant of the day, "Religion?" 

And the first answered, "Buddhist." St. Peter instructed, "Please proceed to Room #9. When you pass Room #6, kindly be silent and tiptoe quietly," and then he
called the second entrant, "Next? ...Religion?" 

The second answered, "Muslim." St. Peter instructed, "Please proceed to Room #12. When you pass Room #6, kindly be silent and tiptoe quietly," and then he called the third entrant, "Next? ...Religion?" 

The third answered, "Judaism." Saint Peter instructed, "Please proceed to Room #15. When you pass Room #6, kindly be silent and tiptoe quietly." Puzzled, he asked, "Why must I be silent and tiptoe quietly upon passing by Room #6?" St. Peter replied...

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"There are Catholics in Room #6. They think they are the only ones who are saved." 



:-( -> :-| -> :-)

DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”

--Charles M. Schulz

The $5,000.00 loan...

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

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The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

http://www.ajokeaday.com/Clasificacion.asp?ID=13 

:-( -> :-| -> :-)
DL 
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“Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”

--Charles M. Schulz